Kate

I grew up learning and understanding marriage was a commitment between both a man and a woman. For God created a helper for Adam. Storybooks talks about a prince charming came and rescue a princess and they live happily ever after. Even Shrek gets Fiona. But things are not always happily ever after. Having been commited to a girl most part of my life, growing up with her, courted her, married her and started a family and seeing her die in my arms seems like being in a dream to a nightmare. Having my two young kids with me has prevented me from wanting to start a new relationship as reality speaks for itself. Many well meaning friends encourage me to do it. This issue has been always in my mind even before Amy passed on, as I do not want to live my life all alone. Nevertheless, it was a life of singlehood i chose. For a man, there are alot of struggle, even more struggle with Christianity as a faith. The fear of looking and then lusting at other woman who might be some other people's wife. Pastor says that is adultery. The fear of rejection, who wants a man who comes with a package. There are many more fears. So for easy way out singlehood is my choice. Prayer to ask God to take away sexual desire helps and he did it. The mind does not lust. Seems like i lost my mojo. Hahahahah.
Kate, my lovely daughter and as described by someone as a girl that break many guys hearts. Just as how she broke my heart so often time, rejecting me as a father and rather look for her grandfather. All because, i had to look after her mum when the most important time of her life had been given to the care of the grandfather. Nevertheless, i still love her so. About a months ago, while she was playing in a restuarant, another girl asked her where her mummy was. She was struckdumb. I was struckdumb and i am hit by a question on my choice of singlehood.
The usual respond for me is always to pray when i do not know what to do. That night i kneeled and i pray, i cried and ask God to help. Somehow, God's healing will come, often time we want it to be instantanous. But having grown maturely quite a bit, i take it slow.
I attended a colleague's wedding even though i only knew him for a week, he invited me. I was in my own shell ever since i left my old church to the present church. But the wedding reception was good. It reminded me of my own but i chose not to remember as my helper is gone. I came to know a sister and also a fellow colleague that came and sit besides me during the reception.
I knew she is a sister because she cups her hand and says grace before meal. I hardly even do it. What a lousy christian i am. :) We just happen to talk about beaches and i shared about diving.
She asked me about prestine beaches but i cannot show her pictures to explain. But i am glad to have a pretty and cheerful lady sit besides me. (No other thoughts)
My struggle is finding a mother for my little girl and apparently it still is. I cannot bring her to a ladies toliet without my mum's help, so bringing them out alone is really a big challenge. People mistake my young looking mother as her mother. I face stares by people looking at me buying children clothings worst when i buy for my own daughter. People stare at me when i am alone with my two kids. I guess because i am a man as much i wish to be a good father and mother to my kids or is it that man are just useless that is why we need a women and a helper.
Praise be to God for the past few days, where some prestine beaches picture brought a encourager, a friend and hopefully a confidente into my life. It brought about an interesting end to the year of 2010. It is a struggle for her as well as she has her own challenges but as least we are in similar situation and can understand, pray and lookout for each other. Thus it brought about a more interesting start to the year of 2011.