The Tan Family History

I was watching a sermon through Facebook video tagged by a friend. The preacher was talking about the book of Genesis. Which in Hebrew, means origin. The preacher mentioned that Satan hated two books in the bible, namely Genesis and Revelation. Reason being 1) Genesis mentioned about his origin and sin. And Revelation mention about his end. The preacher also mentioned that the book of Genesis is one of the most attacked book of the bible. Incidently, he mentioned that Moses the author of the Pentateuch (First 5 books of the bible) live through only 4 books but not Genesis. But how did he write Genesis. In ancient time, there was no writings and mostly the ancient manuscript are depicted by drawings. But in ancient times before pictorial manuscripts particularly, during Moses time, history are passed down through genealogy. Through the generation. Fathers to Fathers. So basically by words spoken, and Moses put into words. I was inspired to put down into words too on the stories that was passed down by my father.

My grandfather was from the south province of China namely Amoy or Xiamen in modern day. He used to be the only son of a business man. So being rich, the family sent him away to Singapore in the past to escape from being enlisted or drafted to war. My grandfather and grandma live through the war and they both got married in Singapore. The family was not christian then.
Grandpa was a smoker and was once very sick and cannot work. According to dad, grandma went to all the temples she knows to ask for talisman paper offered to gods and burn it for my grandpa to drink. Condition was very bad. At that point of time, they knew a preacher. She came to their home and prayed for grandpa for a few days. Grandpa felt a warm sensation on him coming from the preacher hand and he was miraculously healed and was able to work. That was when the whole family was converted. Dad also told me grandpa did shared to him about the story of the lost sheep from the bible. Grandpa used to participate in some play in kindergarten when he was young in China and how the Shepherd brought him back.
For Dad, his was medical condition with tuberculosis. He is a nurse looking after tuberculosis patients and in the end, he caught the condition. He overdosed the drug and was healed. I was in my mum's womb.
And now me. The ever proud and arrogant 3rd generation christian. Btw, God do not have grandchildren. Only sons and daughter. I escaped death when i was coming down the slope from Fort Siloso, Sentosa on a bicycle. I was worried about Nat and turn back to look at him. When i turn around, i was pressing on the handbrake for no reason and at that juncture, there was a taxi dashing out of the side road. I owe my life to Christ.
Faith is not going to stop at the 3rd Gen. as i promised to God that i will never give up my faith because he so love me. I promised that when i have children, they will too love the Lord with their own experience.

Wondered What Life is about?

I spent a good 5 days in Hong Kong on a business trip and I am back today Aug 26. Just before i flew to Hong Kong on Sunday, I had a good talk to Nat my brother on Saturday about life. We talk over 2 jugs of beer and chat about everything under the sun. Ranging from relationship, to hurts, to work, to football, to women, to children.....

Those 5 days when i was in Hong Kong, I spent a fair bit of time praying and of course working and visiting places of interest as well.

On Sunday, I went to Tsim Sa Tsui. (TST), I was sitting at the peer looking at the beautiful peer and lights of Hong Kong. Sitting there alone, looking at couples enjoying a romantic evening together, listening to canton jazz and enjoying the view. I starting wondering why am i sitting here alone. I prayed for God's purpose in my life. I wondered if i have to go through all these loneliness so i can appreciate and care for people? Who will ever want someone like me who has two young children? Who will be willing to sacrifice their time to look after them? On top of that who will love me?

As i spent time analysing people, I noticed many things. Eg. Man - Does not really involve in looking after their young children. Women - Looks after their little ones. Man rather stare into the blank air than get involve with the children. That only lead to one conclusion - Poor IZ and Cake because they lose their mom at such a young age. They are stuck with a father who is hardly home. Even though he tried to compensate on weekends, he just felt he has not done enough. Looking for a lady to love them poised a greater challenge. How would one be willing to love them like her own is really a big question as she did not give birth to them, on top of it she will need my time and understanding too. Haiz.

Nevertheless, the Sunday was interesting. Sitting near the Hong Kong Art Museum, listening to local band perform their chinese love songs just put a knife through my heart. Why have i become so emotional?

Tuesday 23rd Aug, about 5am, i woke up crying bucket in my bed. I dreamt of Amy, the similar dream that i had sometime ago which she was so close to me. Had a conversation with me, telling me that she is healed and how she missed me and love me asking me lets go home together. I replied " I miss you very very much dear." But her respond was but i am sorry, i have to go. The parting scene was miserable. Very miserable. I have not thought of Amy for a while now but somehow, whenever i thought about her, it just gives me the comfort, the assurance that even though she died I know that there was once a girl who truthly love, appreciate and understands me, hardly argue, repecting me and never blame me even when i ever did wrong. Indeed Love is acceptance, commitment together, repect for each other, never imposing on each other and of course the Love for God and knowing who God is. For it is God ordinance for the man to be the spiritual head and to lead the women.

I will refuse to let loneliness overcometh me.

Today, 26 Aug, i came home looking at facebook and saw a youtube video. Bon Jovi sang Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. The beginning of the song talks about King David's Hallelujah which is broken after his fall with Bathsheba. Next the lyrics goes to describe Love which unites with God and a women a man loves and it is a full Hallelujah. It led me to think how a broken relationship can cause a broken Hallelujah. My conviction of wanting to see God's people praise our heavenly father has taken a beating. Have i been focusing too much on my own sadness and disappointments that now i sing a broken Hallelujah?

Indeed Man ultimate end is to glorify Jesus Christ my Lord. "For from Him and through Him and for Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever! Amen.

May Jesus restore upon me the full Hallelujah. :)

Looking back

Looking back in the month of July makes me see how time flies. Amy had gone on for 2 years already. Maybe it is just 2 mins in heaven. :) IZ will be entering primary one next year and how Kate had grown from a little princess who don't understand anything to someone who can hold a conversation.

Things have not change much except that I have been traveling much in Asia pacific. Just 8 months of work had seen me flew more than 15 trips. I have apologized to my dad for the rude things i have said one year ago. We all have been grieving from the head of the family down to the little ones. Jesus had been faithful and never abandon this household.

Yee Ma and Yee Chong had been concern about my love life. Asking me when i will start a new relationship? I replied when God provides.

It is so difficult to have a proper relationship, even though i lay my card on the table.

1) Single lady -> which single lady will want to date a widower who have not one but two children. She will lose her freedom, unless she really loves me. What happen if we do have our own love child? What will i do with IZ and Kate? How will they be emotionally?

Seems like this option is gone.

2) A widow -> She have a past. She have nice memory of her ex. Hard to give up on her past. She might have a child or two child of her own. Unlikely she will want me. Moreover how many young widows are there around, asking for opening in good Christian primary school also get turn down. So much for biblical teaching of love the widows for that is the true religion. Seems like this option is gone too.

3) Divorcees -> She might have a past, maybe also children, maybe got nice memory of ex but for certain reasons get divorce. Will her past come and haunt me? Stigma of divorcees are they are always problematic. Seems like this option is also gone.

Sometimes i wondered is it because of my own thinking and my own pride that prevent myself for moving forward but i think it will be difficult for the above 3 categories of people too if they allow people's opinion to affect them.

I think i will wait upon the Lord for whichever categories that He decides, maybe i will just have to able to be contented with being a single father for the rest of my life. :) But if it is the will of God then I shall accept it.

IZ and Kate, if you get a chance to read this, please do not blame God, Mummy or your life. This is papa life and i am not angry with God. :)

Praise You in the Storm

Dear Iz and Kate,
It had been a long time since papa have a chance to play the guitar alone and sing praises to God. The tips of all my left fingers had already turn soft. :( Ouch! Painful. " You should know how long i never play the guitar. As both of you are away to Canada with Ah gong and Ah ma, I am all alone in Singapore. As two days ago, papa was away in Vietnam for business trip, i was thinking about both of you. I was alone in the hotel room missing both of you badly. Thought ran through my mind about the constant flying and also when i am in Singapore i did not spend much time with both of you. Maybe Papa had put my pirorities wrong, having to balance so many things, some not even allowing me to share on the blog. Do remember to ask me when u are reading this blog and i will explain to you where did most of my evening went. All i can say is I am sorry to both of you for not spending enough time. If only both of you know the reason, you will understand how papa feel.
As i am playing the guitar and singing "Praise you in the storm" it is so painful. - For HE gives and takes away. I was crying, thinking about my life. The pain which cuts so deep. As mentioned i cannot elaborate, please ask me if you have the opportunity. :( Hopefully, I am not back home with Jesus. :)
Uncle Nat, taught papa something sometime ago on Love Language. It is about the book he read about knowing your partner's love languague, your spouse love language. It means what is important to him or her. For eg. Mummy's love language is she wants papa to be commited to her, to kiss her and hug her, to always assure her that i will never leave her because of her hair thinning problem then she knows that she is loved. Papa's love language is I need someone to be near me physically, someone who is willing to sacrifice for me, that is my love language. So now both of you know how i feel when i am alone. When loneliness creeps in to me in the night, when I come home to a empty bed. Thank you IZ for occasionally wanting to sleep with me. :) It helps PAPA. Kate maybe you are too young to know. Please learn to understand your partners love language so that the chances of breakup will be minimal.
Both of you are enjoying yourself in Canada right now, but your poor papa is all alone. I do hope both of you or maybe others who is reading the blog will not have to experience loneliness. All alone without love, without someone to talk to and only to talk to my Father in heaven. It is very painful, very sad, very tormenting. People who don't understand will never understand the feeling. It is similar to when Mummy was with me and suddenly she left to be with the Lord. That taught me to cherish and love people around me. To sacrifice for what i believe in and not just take things for granted. Everyone deserves to be love by someone so please don't grow up hurting and playing with people's feeling. If both of you found someone who really love you and you love them please grab each other tightly. Don't take the person for granted. I never regreted loving mummy or not giving mummy enough love. Just like Ah gong and Ah ma, they love each other even though papa and uncle nat grows up and have our own family, they still love each other. :) Always remember that love for each other will have to take precedent over the children. Not children over your spouse. I still do pray daily for Iz, Kate and my friend's girl that all three of you will find someone who will truthly love and sacrifice for you all. May our loving heavenly father watch over you and keep you safe in His loving arms.

Papa Joe.

Who papa really lost.

To IZ n Cake, As I journeyed on alone without mummy, I stumbled, fall and get hurt many time. Through the hurt I come to remember who mummy really was and how she had so deeply impacted my view of thinking of starting another relationship. As i looked back, I remembered that she is a very humble, sacrificial, gentle, submissive, and loving women. 1) Humble - Eventhough mummy was alot smarter than papa in terms of studies; she had a 2nd upper honours when she did her business degree in NUS, she was on the dean's list, she never belittled papa. She never ever looked down on papa eventhough she is earning more than papa. That makes papa worked even harder but unfortunately when papa salary reached there mummy is gone. :( She never go for branded stuffs, always concern about our income. 2)Sacrificial - She sacrificed her time for both of you when you were young just to allow papa to have more sleep as papa's worked sometimes 2-3 days without sleep due to server migration work. Even with her cancer causing problems she still love you Kate very much. She is one working mother and Papa can only do little to help by being her driver.:) But papa never take her for granted, i also helped her with both of you. We both believe work is important, but it shall not take precedent over our relationship. Work should not be at the expense of family or our personal time. She will always check if everything is alright with papa eventhough she is busy at work. Both of you can use smses for that. But often time she calls. 3) Gentle- Sometimes she wanted papa to do what she wants. But she just know how to get to the man's heart. She just gently smile. :) She never gets angry, eventhough, papa used to get angry but her gentle smile always calms the soul. She will come along side to hold my arms tightly, to show how much she needs me to be her support. This makes me willing to die for her. She will just come and massage my back when i come back late from work. 4) Submissive- If we ever quarrel or argue, she never held back her sorry. Sometimes even if papa is unreasonable, she will be first to say sorry on her part. This is to keep the relationship very alive. It never takes a long time because she cherish papa and not wanting to lose my attention or quarrel with me. This makes me love her even more, so much more to the extend when she gone home, papa felt half of me is gone to be with the Lord. :( Papa has a bad temper, but mummy changed papa, she made papa to be even more submissive to her because of how she cherish me and submit to my leadership. She nevers tell me how she sacrifice for me because she know i sacrifice for her too, but i saw it all. Then again, she just simply smile. :) Loving- She just don't like to not talk before we sleep at night. If she knows that i am sick, she will call home to check how am I. Interestingly, this happens even in courtship. :) She knew very well SMSes doesnt count because the heart is not there.She will go the extra mile to do things for me even if it mean sacificing her own personal time. Both our own weekly agenda will have each other first before other activities. I love her even more because of how she treats me. She never take my love for her for granted. She always put me behind the Lord Jesus. Our life basically revolve around each other. I would say eventhough IZ and Cake when both of you came into our life, mummy loved both of you but she never neglected papa. There is no scence of selfishness on her part. Whether it is courtship or as a wife. She will always think of papa before herself, putting papa before her plans, before her activities. To papa, this is loving papa and showing papa respect as a boyfriend or husband, that I am so very important to her. I am so so blessed to know her and have her as my wife and confidente. I prayed last time that God shorten my life to give her more life because papa is not important, mummy was. The reason for this blog is To IZ: Please use mummy as a standard to find a wife.But be smart, look for a good christian girl who will submit to you.Based it on Ephesian 5. To Kate: Learn to be like mummy. But be smart, look for christian boy who will love you sincerely and sacrifice for you. To IZ n Cake, try not to rely on technology to communicate. Things like smses, email are bad for communication. The best old fashion way is to go to somewhere to talk to build relationship or use the home phone or hp. If there is any conflict, confront it, talk to each other. This will definitely build your future relationship and it will stand on solid rock.

Faith

I just felt that God wants me to blog today. :) I just wrote an email to the principle the primary school which i appealed for Isaac. Situation is bleak. But my faith is strong. I have prayed before sending the email out. Somehow i have faith that God will give me the best. He will provide. I will still praise him in all circumstances whether good or bad.

I have prayed, sent out the email and now all i have to do is wait. I will have the faith to believe the desire of my heart.

Rest

Can God work in rest? I will say based on my relationship with Him, the answer is Yes and Yes.
The controversial passage will be from Luke 10:38-42. It the faith really so simple? Doing nothing and only one needful? I believe rest is not inactivity but spirit directed activity. Often times I do many things, trying to please people, trying to win favors, trying to turn situation around. These are not bad things but somehow it is toilsome labour.

The pastor today shared some insightful thoughts to some biblical passages which also showed how God turn situation around. It is not by our own strength which often leads to labour, hurt, fustration, discouragement. I think i had a whole year of practical lessons last year yet i still do not learn my lesson. The lessson is "REST and God will do the rest". Almost everything i asked for in prayers, i got them fulfilled because i rested in the Lord. Today message from God was a reminder to me, bringing me back to Him, giving me my peace back. Thank you Jesus. :)

My pastor mentioned about Exodus 17:8-13 about the battle between the Jews and the Amalakites. Ironically, Amal in hebrew means toilsome labour. She mentioned as christians, every battle is first spiritual and next physical. We often forgot about it. The battle which saw Moses raising his staff and the battle favors his army and once he lowered his staff, the Amalakites win. but once Moses sat on the stone and rested and had his hands supported. He won the battle.

Often time, we have negative thought about rest, associating it with laziness. But most of the time doing things in rest is the best because the timing and situation is in God's hand. I will just leave everything in his hand. I like complete rest because it takes faith. I am not saying no decision or work to be done but back to spirit directed work.

My uncle once mentioned that why worry? Often time 90% of things are out of our control and should be left to God and maybe at most 10% is ours to control. Love, Peace, Joy and Hope and in the end Love will remains. What do we pursue in life? Better results, more $, or more peace and joy in life filled with hope and love.

Choose Rest and you will see God hands are work. After all Jesus mentioned that his yoke is not heavy, for he is the master oxen. Thank you Father for reminding me. I will take my rest. :)