Praise You in the Storm

Dear Iz and Kate,
It had been a long time since papa have a chance to play the guitar alone and sing praises to God. The tips of all my left fingers had already turn soft. :( Ouch! Painful. " You should know how long i never play the guitar. As both of you are away to Canada with Ah gong and Ah ma, I am all alone in Singapore. As two days ago, papa was away in Vietnam for business trip, i was thinking about both of you. I was alone in the hotel room missing both of you badly. Thought ran through my mind about the constant flying and also when i am in Singapore i did not spend much time with both of you. Maybe Papa had put my pirorities wrong, having to balance so many things, some not even allowing me to share on the blog. Do remember to ask me when u are reading this blog and i will explain to you where did most of my evening went. All i can say is I am sorry to both of you for not spending enough time. If only both of you know the reason, you will understand how papa feel.
As i am playing the guitar and singing "Praise you in the storm" it is so painful. - For HE gives and takes away. I was crying, thinking about my life. The pain which cuts so deep. As mentioned i cannot elaborate, please ask me if you have the opportunity. :( Hopefully, I am not back home with Jesus. :)
Uncle Nat, taught papa something sometime ago on Love Language. It is about the book he read about knowing your partner's love languague, your spouse love language. It means what is important to him or her. For eg. Mummy's love language is she wants papa to be commited to her, to kiss her and hug her, to always assure her that i will never leave her because of her hair thinning problem then she knows that she is loved. Papa's love language is I need someone to be near me physically, someone who is willing to sacrifice for me, that is my love language. So now both of you know how i feel when i am alone. When loneliness creeps in to me in the night, when I come home to a empty bed. Thank you IZ for occasionally wanting to sleep with me. :) It helps PAPA. Kate maybe you are too young to know. Please learn to understand your partners love language so that the chances of breakup will be minimal.
Both of you are enjoying yourself in Canada right now, but your poor papa is all alone. I do hope both of you or maybe others who is reading the blog will not have to experience loneliness. All alone without love, without someone to talk to and only to talk to my Father in heaven. It is very painful, very sad, very tormenting. People who don't understand will never understand the feeling. It is similar to when Mummy was with me and suddenly she left to be with the Lord. That taught me to cherish and love people around me. To sacrifice for what i believe in and not just take things for granted. Everyone deserves to be love by someone so please don't grow up hurting and playing with people's feeling. If both of you found someone who really love you and you love them please grab each other tightly. Don't take the person for granted. I never regreted loving mummy or not giving mummy enough love. Just like Ah gong and Ah ma, they love each other even though papa and uncle nat grows up and have our own family, they still love each other. :) Always remember that love for each other will have to take precedent over the children. Not children over your spouse. I still do pray daily for Iz, Kate and my friend's girl that all three of you will find someone who will truthly love and sacrifice for you all. May our loving heavenly father watch over you and keep you safe in His loving arms.

Papa Joe.

Who papa really lost.

To IZ n Cake, As I journeyed on alone without mummy, I stumbled, fall and get hurt many time. Through the hurt I come to remember who mummy really was and how she had so deeply impacted my view of thinking of starting another relationship. As i looked back, I remembered that she is a very humble, sacrificial, gentle, submissive, and loving women. 1) Humble - Eventhough mummy was alot smarter than papa in terms of studies; she had a 2nd upper honours when she did her business degree in NUS, she was on the dean's list, she never belittled papa. She never ever looked down on papa eventhough she is earning more than papa. That makes papa worked even harder but unfortunately when papa salary reached there mummy is gone. :( She never go for branded stuffs, always concern about our income. 2)Sacrificial - She sacrificed her time for both of you when you were young just to allow papa to have more sleep as papa's worked sometimes 2-3 days without sleep due to server migration work. Even with her cancer causing problems she still love you Kate very much. She is one working mother and Papa can only do little to help by being her driver.:) But papa never take her for granted, i also helped her with both of you. We both believe work is important, but it shall not take precedent over our relationship. Work should not be at the expense of family or our personal time. She will always check if everything is alright with papa eventhough she is busy at work. Both of you can use smses for that. But often time she calls. 3) Gentle- Sometimes she wanted papa to do what she wants. But she just know how to get to the man's heart. She just gently smile. :) She never gets angry, eventhough, papa used to get angry but her gentle smile always calms the soul. She will come along side to hold my arms tightly, to show how much she needs me to be her support. This makes me willing to die for her. She will just come and massage my back when i come back late from work. 4) Submissive- If we ever quarrel or argue, she never held back her sorry. Sometimes even if papa is unreasonable, she will be first to say sorry on her part. This is to keep the relationship very alive. It never takes a long time because she cherish papa and not wanting to lose my attention or quarrel with me. This makes me love her even more, so much more to the extend when she gone home, papa felt half of me is gone to be with the Lord. :( Papa has a bad temper, but mummy changed papa, she made papa to be even more submissive to her because of how she cherish me and submit to my leadership. She nevers tell me how she sacrifice for me because she know i sacrifice for her too, but i saw it all. Then again, she just simply smile. :) Loving- She just don't like to not talk before we sleep at night. If she knows that i am sick, she will call home to check how am I. Interestingly, this happens even in courtship. :) She knew very well SMSes doesnt count because the heart is not there.She will go the extra mile to do things for me even if it mean sacificing her own personal time. Both our own weekly agenda will have each other first before other activities. I love her even more because of how she treats me. She never take my love for her for granted. She always put me behind the Lord Jesus. Our life basically revolve around each other. I would say eventhough IZ and Cake when both of you came into our life, mummy loved both of you but she never neglected papa. There is no scence of selfishness on her part. Whether it is courtship or as a wife. She will always think of papa before herself, putting papa before her plans, before her activities. To papa, this is loving papa and showing papa respect as a boyfriend or husband, that I am so very important to her. I am so so blessed to know her and have her as my wife and confidente. I prayed last time that God shorten my life to give her more life because papa is not important, mummy was. The reason for this blog is To IZ: Please use mummy as a standard to find a wife.But be smart, look for a good christian girl who will submit to you.Based it on Ephesian 5. To Kate: Learn to be like mummy. But be smart, look for christian boy who will love you sincerely and sacrifice for you. To IZ n Cake, try not to rely on technology to communicate. Things like smses, email are bad for communication. The best old fashion way is to go to somewhere to talk to build relationship or use the home phone or hp. If there is any conflict, confront it, talk to each other. This will definitely build your future relationship and it will stand on solid rock.

Faith

I just felt that God wants me to blog today. :) I just wrote an email to the principle the primary school which i appealed for Isaac. Situation is bleak. But my faith is strong. I have prayed before sending the email out. Somehow i have faith that God will give me the best. He will provide. I will still praise him in all circumstances whether good or bad.

I have prayed, sent out the email and now all i have to do is wait. I will have the faith to believe the desire of my heart.

Rest

Can God work in rest? I will say based on my relationship with Him, the answer is Yes and Yes.
The controversial passage will be from Luke 10:38-42. It the faith really so simple? Doing nothing and only one needful? I believe rest is not inactivity but spirit directed activity. Often times I do many things, trying to please people, trying to win favors, trying to turn situation around. These are not bad things but somehow it is toilsome labour.

The pastor today shared some insightful thoughts to some biblical passages which also showed how God turn situation around. It is not by our own strength which often leads to labour, hurt, fustration, discouragement. I think i had a whole year of practical lessons last year yet i still do not learn my lesson. The lessson is "REST and God will do the rest". Almost everything i asked for in prayers, i got them fulfilled because i rested in the Lord. Today message from God was a reminder to me, bringing me back to Him, giving me my peace back. Thank you Jesus. :)

My pastor mentioned about Exodus 17:8-13 about the battle between the Jews and the Amalakites. Ironically, Amal in hebrew means toilsome labour. She mentioned as christians, every battle is first spiritual and next physical. We often forgot about it. The battle which saw Moses raising his staff and the battle favors his army and once he lowered his staff, the Amalakites win. but once Moses sat on the stone and rested and had his hands supported. He won the battle.

Often time, we have negative thought about rest, associating it with laziness. But most of the time doing things in rest is the best because the timing and situation is in God's hand. I will just leave everything in his hand. I like complete rest because it takes faith. I am not saying no decision or work to be done but back to spirit directed work.

My uncle once mentioned that why worry? Often time 90% of things are out of our control and should be left to God and maybe at most 10% is ours to control. Love, Peace, Joy and Hope and in the end Love will remains. What do we pursue in life? Better results, more $, or more peace and joy in life filled with hope and love.

Choose Rest and you will see God hands are work. After all Jesus mentioned that his yoke is not heavy, for he is the master oxen. Thank you Father for reminding me. I will take my rest. :)

1 Peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety upon Him for He care for you. 1 Peter 5:7. Yesterday I was in church and pastor was sharing about how he misses his wife. So he called her on her mobile and said "Erm, I just want to hear your voice." He went on to say that substance is more important. What is the point in kissing the photo when you have the real person. My pastor also added that it is because where her heart is your heart will be as well. I think is because of love. He went on to preach about Ephesian 5:25-33. The famous passage for Husband and wife. Husband love your wife as how christ loves the church. Wife respect your husband. I did try to memorise this verse last time as it is very dear to my heart. Wanting to be a good man, so from friendship to courtship to being husband and wife, i hold the verse in great importance. I was sad and troubled yesterday because i did the same thing to Amy last time, by calling her on the mobile to surprise her. And since pastor said that where her heart is so will be my heart. I asked if my heart is in heaven now? As i mentioned in my previous blog that I come to know a special friend and how God brought us together. The individual times when we spent together often filled with surprises from above, fireworks in the sky, sky full of stars, aeroplane leaving a cloud trail through the air, it is really like God is encouraging us to be together, but there is always this torn in the flesh. Sometimes i wondered if the torn in the flesh is really a torn or is it just a lack of faith and not casting our cares upon Him. I have a beautiful relationship that ends with death. She had a unfaithful relationship which is tormanting her. I often pray and ask God, why people who love sincerely always get hurt. I get hurt, she gets hurt. I can only guess that my vision last Sunday is right. To the left is love, to the right is the flesh and in the center is the cross. Christ should be in the center for all relationship. I kneeled down and pray today to entrust everything, family, relationship, career, finance, health upon Him for his yoke is light. I know that my daddy God cares. He will see me through, he will give me strength to carry on, all i need is to rest on the eagle wings.

The male eagle who used to dance in mid air with his lovely female eagle shall dance again, since he lost her. He shall dance with another eagle or not at all. But what is most important is the under air current which lift both eagles up and that is the "Ruach"(Hebrew) the Spirit of the Living God. Whether he flys alone or as a couple for the Lord of the Heaven and the earth shall always be his strength.

Blessed be the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen

Relationship

I had a good chat with a sister who was a ex colleague on chat. She was just sharing about how people take relationship so lightly. She recently just ended her own relationship. She was sharing to me about her friend who got involved in someone elses family. Her friend became a boyfriend to a married women who has a 10 year old daughter. He is not the only boyfriend to this woman, apparently she has about this promicious lifestyle eventhough she has a loving husband who keeps forgiving her. A friend of mine has a unfaithful husband but she is a good lady which is the exact opposite. I spoke to this sister and find that it is so ironic. Wrong person with wrong partner. I come to think about my own relationship with Amy.

During courtship, it seems to be like a one sided affair with me doing alot of things to please her but always getting hurt. She is the smarter one, she spend her time studying. I spend my time dreaming,thinking of how to make her happy so that by doing them, she will be appreciate and accept me. But it did not happen. In fact it affected my whole life. My school work, my life revolve around her. As i grow older, i starts to wonder if it is all worthwhile. You must be wondering how long is this courtship and relationship lasted.

10 years of friendship, 7 years of courtship and 5 years of marriage. At least it landed up in marriage. Thank God, this love is not wasted. I am not saying that one sided love affair is no good but it can be painful, stressful and even miserable. One missed smses or period of silence means she don't love me. She got other guys..... , i am second priority. (Thank God all these only happen during the 10 years of my friendship and a couple of years during courtship.) After that she loves me with all her heart. Through it all, i know God's purpose for me, which is to walk with her through her struggles and her battle with cancer. To be faithful and committed to her through good times and bad. Not all relationship will end well like until death do us part.

This is something that i learn. Someone once told me, if a women loves a man, she will do anything for him, no matter how bad he is, she will stick by him, even to the extend of getting abuse. It is not all without truth, often times we read in newspaper too. But if the women does not love the man, no matter what he does, even if he dies for her, she will take it lightly. So for Kate, if someone loves you silly, please appreciate him. But if you don't like him, please let him know early and don't waste the poor boy's time, effort and love.

I guess i should remember the above if i do start a new relationship. Not to be the one keep sacrificing and in the end, in the words of the song from Linkin Park, it doesn't really matters to the person.

May God showers his grace as i continue to pray for you (Isaac) and you (Kate) for your spouses in future to be like your crazy father who loves your mother deeply and vice virsa. Do also understand that is a priviledge to be loved by someone and not take the person for granted. :)

Kate

I grew up learning and understanding marriage was a commitment between both a man and a woman. For God created a helper for Adam. Storybooks talks about a prince charming came and rescue a princess and they live happily ever after. Even Shrek gets Fiona. But things are not always happily ever after. Having been commited to a girl most part of my life, growing up with her, courted her, married her and started a family and seeing her die in my arms seems like being in a dream to a nightmare. Having my two young kids with me has prevented me from wanting to start a new relationship as reality speaks for itself. Many well meaning friends encourage me to do it. This issue has been always in my mind even before Amy passed on, as I do not want to live my life all alone. Nevertheless, it was a life of singlehood i chose. For a man, there are alot of struggle, even more struggle with Christianity as a faith. The fear of looking and then lusting at other woman who might be some other people's wife. Pastor says that is adultery. The fear of rejection, who wants a man who comes with a package. There are many more fears. So for easy way out singlehood is my choice. Prayer to ask God to take away sexual desire helps and he did it. The mind does not lust. Seems like i lost my mojo. Hahahahah.
Kate, my lovely daughter and as described by someone as a girl that break many guys hearts. Just as how she broke my heart so often time, rejecting me as a father and rather look for her grandfather. All because, i had to look after her mum when the most important time of her life had been given to the care of the grandfather. Nevertheless, i still love her so. About a months ago, while she was playing in a restuarant, another girl asked her where her mummy was. She was struckdumb. I was struckdumb and i am hit by a question on my choice of singlehood.
The usual respond for me is always to pray when i do not know what to do. That night i kneeled and i pray, i cried and ask God to help. Somehow, God's healing will come, often time we want it to be instantanous. But having grown maturely quite a bit, i take it slow.
I attended a colleague's wedding even though i only knew him for a week, he invited me. I was in my own shell ever since i left my old church to the present church. But the wedding reception was good. It reminded me of my own but i chose not to remember as my helper is gone. I came to know a sister and also a fellow colleague that came and sit besides me during the reception.
I knew she is a sister because she cups her hand and says grace before meal. I hardly even do it. What a lousy christian i am. :) We just happen to talk about beaches and i shared about diving.
She asked me about prestine beaches but i cannot show her pictures to explain. But i am glad to have a pretty and cheerful lady sit besides me. (No other thoughts)
My struggle is finding a mother for my little girl and apparently it still is. I cannot bring her to a ladies toliet without my mum's help, so bringing them out alone is really a big challenge. People mistake my young looking mother as her mother. I face stares by people looking at me buying children clothings worst when i buy for my own daughter. People stare at me when i am alone with my two kids. I guess because i am a man as much i wish to be a good father and mother to my kids or is it that man are just useless that is why we need a women and a helper.
Praise be to God for the past few days, where some prestine beaches picture brought a encourager, a friend and hopefully a confidente into my life. It brought about an interesting end to the year of 2010. It is a struggle for her as well as she has her own challenges but as least we are in similar situation and can understand, pray and lookout for each other. Thus it brought about a more interesting start to the year of 2011.